(MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN ON RADIO)
刚刚好 Right on time.
泽克！他妈的快点！ Zeke! Hurry the fuck up!
(ELECTRIC SAW WHIRRING)
快好了！ Almost there!
九十九 Nighty-night. (CHUCKLES)
(MAN SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN)
打开 Open it.
装载 Load it up.
(MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
抱歉，我不说俄语 Sorry, I don't speak Russian.
等等！ Wait!
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
MacGruber
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials
MacGruber
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations
MacGruber
The guy's a fucking genius
MacGruber
(BEEPING)
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
MacGruber
He made a fucking movie
MacGruber
长官，我不能理解 Sir, I still don't understand why we had
为何我们要大老远到这儿来？ to come all the way out here.
中尉，因为我们需要最优秀的 Because, Lieutenant, we need the best.
这个人有那么优秀吗？ And this guy's that good?
是的，他很优秀 Yeah. He's that good.
为什么他没有服役？ Then why isn't he on active duty?
因为 Because
他已经死了十年之久 he's been dead for 10 years.
你好，上校 Hello, Colonel.
你好，马克格鲁伯 Hello, MacGruber.
马克格鲁伯？ MacGruber?
你怎么找得到我？ How did you find me?
你忘了，你会的都是我教你的 You forget I taught you everything you know.
并非所有，上校 Not everything, Colonel.
你好，吉姆 Hello, Jim.
马克格鲁伯 MacGruber.
这是迪克森·派帕中尉，中尉，这是… This is Lieutenant Dixon Piper. Lieutenant, this is...
传奇人物，马克格鲁伯 The legendary MacGruber.
前海豹突击队、绿色贝雷帽 陆军特战队成员 Former Navy SEAL, Army Ranger and Green Beret.
沙漠风暴中任职六期，波斯尼亚四期 Served six tours in Desert Storm, four in Bosnia,
安哥拉、索马里、莫桑比克 尼加拉瓜以及塞拉利昂分别任职三期 three each in Angola, Somalia, Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone.
十六枚紫心勋章获得者 Recipient of sixteen Purple Hearts,
三枚国会荣誉勋章 three Congressional Medals of Honor,
七枚总统英勇勋章 seven Presidential Medals of Bravery,
并为德克萨斯大学埃尔帕索分校打边锋 and starting tight end for the University of Texas, El Paso.
那是很久之前了 That was a long time ago.
听着，马克… Listen, Mac... (SIGHS)
上校，恕我冒昧 Colonel, with all due respect,
不管你在此为了什么 whatever it is you're here for,
我都不会答应 the answer is no.
这就是我的生活 我所关注的只在这城墙之内 My life is here now. Everything I care about is in these walls.
我是个和平主义者 这是我的家，这些是我的人民 I'm a man of peace. This is my home, these are my people.
嗨，嗨，妈的！他要偿还 Hey, hey! Shit! He'll give it back.
(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
马克格鲁伯，两天前，一队俄国护卫 JIM: Look, MacGruber. Two days ago, a Russian convoy
运送的X-5核弹头半路被劫 carrying the X-5 nuclear warhead got jacked.
昨天，可靠消息称他们正前往美国领土 Yesterday, reliable sources informed us it made its way to US soil.
这些都与我无关 That's not my problem anymore.
马克格鲁伯，X-5是威力最强的核… MacGruber, the X-5 is one of the most powerful nuclear...
当然，我知道X-5是什么 Yeah, I know what the X-5 is.
中尉，给我们点时间，可以吗？ Lieutenant, give us a minute, will you?
是的，长官 Yes, sir.
马克，你是我们唯一的希望 Mac, you're our only hope.
你的国家需要你 Your country needs you.
我认为，我已经付出了太多给我的国家 I think I've given more than enough to my country already.
马克，如果这关系到凯西，她… Mac, if this is about Casey, she...
这与凯西无关，这关系到我对自己的承诺 It's not about Casey. It's about a promise I made to myself.
- 听我说，马克 - 不，你听着 Listen to me, Mac. No, you listen!
我出局了 I'm out of the game.
- 游戏已经改变了 - 但是角色没有改变 Well, the game has changed. But the players are the same.
马克格鲁伯，是康斯 MacGruber, it's Cunth.
什么？ What?
我们有理由相信 We have reason to believe
X-5已经落入迪尔特·冯·康斯手中 the X-5 is now in the possession of Dieter Von Cunth.
康斯 Cunth.
马克 Mac.
这是你最终将他拿下的机会 This is your chance to finally take him down.
抱歉，吉姆，我做不到 Sorry, Jim. I can't do it.
如果你改变主意… (SIGHS) If you change your mind...
中尉 Lieutenant.
凯西·简妮·菲茨派特里克 PRIEST: Do you, Casey Janine Fitzpatrick,
你愿意马克格鲁伯成为你的合法丈夫吗？ take MacGruber to be your lawfully wedded husband?
我愿意 I do.
(DISTORTED ECHOING)
马克格鲁伯 你愿意娶凯西·简妮·菲茨派特里克… And do you, MacGruber, take Casey Janine Fitzpatrick...
艹你妈 (DISTORTED) Fuck you.
…成为你的合法妻子吗？ (DISTORTED)... to be your lawfully wedded wife?
(TIMER BEEPING)
凯西 (DISTORTED) Casey!
马克格鲁伯！ MacGruber!
(GASPS)
(SCREAMING)
(WHIRRING)
(UNLOCKING)
(SCREAMING)
我加入 I'm in.
什么？ What?
我加入 I'm in.
马克格鲁伯，谢天谢地 MacGruber. Thank God.
老天帮不了你，吉姆，但是我能 Your God can't help you, Jim. But I can.
目前为止我们掌握什么情况？ So what do we know so far?
很不幸，非常少 Very little, unfortunately.
我们认为康斯将X-5走私到了美国 We think Cunth smuggled the X-5 into the US,
在找到线索之前 我们还不能对他施加任何证词 but we lost the trail before we could pin any hard evidence on him.
其实我在和上校说话，上校？ I was actually talking to the Colonel. Colonel?
派帕说的每句话都是事实 Everything Piper just said is correct.
多谢，上校 Thank you, Colonel.
好吧，那么，如果你允许的话 Well, then, if you'll excuse me,
是时候去追捕康斯了 it's time to go pound some Cunth.
马克，没那么容易 Mac. It's not that easy.
当然，在我们开来，他是黑市武器交易商 但在其他人眼里 Sure, to us, he's a black market arms dealer. But to everyone else,
他已成为万众敬仰的商人 he's become a respected businessman
以及重要的政治慈善家 and a major political donor.
你很难接触到他 He's untouchable.
我能接触到他，新手 Oh, I'll touch him, rookie.
我随时都能接触到他 I'll touch him wherever I want.
(CHUCKLES)
马克，我们现在能争取到成功的机会是 Now, Mac, one thing we have working in our favor
康斯拿到密码才能让X-5运行 is that Cunth needs passcodes to make the X-5 operational.
很重要的是，康斯还未得到密码 It is imperative that Cunth does not get those codes.
多谢，因为在你说出来之前 Oh, thanks. Because before you said something,
我觉得他得到密码也没什么 I thought it'd be fine if he got them.
马克，我不再对你隐瞒 Now, I'm not gonna lie to you, Mac.
这是一项高级命令 This is a very tall order.
道上人传言，康斯正组建一支队伍 Word on the street is Cunth's put together a team
包括这个世界上最冷酷的罪犯 of the most ruthless criminals this planet has to offer.
(READING FROM SCREEN)
泽克普雷谢特、康斯坦丁巴赫 库莱布拉兄弟 Zeke Pleshette. Constantine Bach. The Culebra brothers.
这是名副其实的杀手梦之队 It's a veritable dream team of killers.
好吧，我只要组建自己的梦之队 Well, then, I'll just have to put together my own dream team
制止杀手梦之队 of killer-stoppers.
说到这儿，马克 Regarding that, Mac,
派帕中尉是这里最优秀的军人 Lieutenant Piper here is one of the best men we have.
他将会是这项任务中的副司令 He'll be your second-in-command on this thing.
我有个更好的想法 I got a better idea.
没门！ No fucking way.
马克格鲁伯，我知道自己不像你期待的那样 MacGruber, I know I'm not what you expected.
我来猜猜 Let me guess.
大学毕业一年，作战经验为零 One year out of the academy, zero combat experience,
小阿飞以为他的胡扯不够臭 little punk thinks his shit don't stink.
只想让你知道 Well, just to let you know,
你的胡扯确实很臭 your shit does stink. (SNIFFS)
臭的像大便一样 (WHISPERS) It stinks like shit.
你只要给我一次机会 If you'll just give me a shot.
给你个机会 Give this a shot.
(GROANS)
该死的鼻子！ My fricking nose!
现在，对不起了 Now, if you'll excuse me,
我该去组织一支真正的队伍 it's time to round up a real team.
混蛋！ Asshole.
(SOFT ROCK SONG PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
我成功了，瑞可，成功了 I got it, Rico. I got it. (GRUNTING)
弗兰克还是老样子，总想着独闯江湖 Same old Frank. Always wants to go it alone.
马克格鲁伯 MacGruber.
我以为你死了 Man, I thought you were dead.
上次见你时，你一手托着手榴弹发射器 Last time I saw you, you had a grenade launcher in one hand
一手握着M-16 and an M-16 in the other.
而你，赤手空拳就撕裂了一个家伙的喉咙 And you had just ripped a dude's throat out with your bare hands.
马克格鲁伯的经典动作 Classic MacGruber.
看上去，你的身材保持的不错 So, looks like you're keeping your bod pretty tight.
你也同样不错 You're looking pretty good yourself.
当然，每天都在锻炼 Well, every day's a workout
当天揣着一个20磅的重物在牛仔裤里时 when you gotta carry around a 20-pound python in your jeans.
你和你的老二写照 You and your dick comments.
议论他们很有意思 It's fun to say them.
- 听到也很有趣 - 所以我才议论他们 It's fun to hear them. That's why I say them.
所以我才听你说 And that's why I listen.
哇，我们在一起的时光很美好，不是吗？ Wow, we had some good times together, didn't we?
我们玩的很开心 We had some great times.
我们会玩的更加开心 We're about to have some more.
喔！我看得出这个表情 Uh-oh! I know that look.
我需要你，弗莱克，我是认真的 I need you, Frank. It's serious.
我正组建一支队伍 I'm putting together a team.
我加入！ Then I'm in.
(WHISTLES APPROVINGLY)
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
VICKl: (SINGING) Two is a wonderful number
And three is a crowd, that's true
But four is the perfect number for sure
If it's two kids and me
and you
I love you.
很美妙，薇基 That was beautiful, Vicki.
马克格鲁伯，我以为你死了 MacGruber. I thought you were dead.
我也是，但是没有 So did I. But I'm not.
我活了下来，正组建一支队伍 I'm alive and I'm putting together a team.
有益于你 Good for you.
不，有益于我们，有益于整个美国 No, good for us. And good for America.
有益于公正和真理的仰慕者 And good for fans of justice and truth.
因为，你也是其中一员 Because you're on that team.
我做不到 I can't.
给我一个恰当的理由，薇基 Just give me one good reason, Vick.
我愿意 CASEY: I do.
马克格鲁伯 你愿意娶凯西·简妮·菲茨派特里克 PRIEST: And do you, MacGruber, take Casey Janine Fitzpatrick
成为你的合法妻子吗 to be your lawfully wedded wife?
不！ MACGRUBER: No!
(GUESTS SCREAMING)
那天我失去了最好的朋友 I lost my best friend that day.
我也是 I did, too.
如今我们有机会报仇 And now we have a chance to get revenge.
- 报仇？ - 是康斯！ Revenge? It's Cunth.
抱歉，我已经重新开始了 我的生活只有音乐 I'm sorry, I've started over. My life is my music now.
如果你改变主意 If you change your mind.
见到你很开心，薇基 It was good to see you, Vicki.
一切都按计划进行吗？ Is everything on schedule?
是的，先生，周二我们就能拿到密码 Yes, sir. We should have the passcodes by Tuesday.
好极了！太完美了！ Wonderful. Beautiful.
去过哥伦比亚特区么？ Have you ever been to D. C?
先生，没去过 No, sir, I haven't.
我问的是导弹 I was talking to the missile.
好了，伙计们系好安全带了吗？ All right, you guys strapped in?
贴上标签，猎获他们，马克格鲁伯！ Yes! Tag 'em and bag 'em, MacGruber!
的确！ Yeah!
和以前一样！ FRANK: Just like old times!
妈的，我得去应付那些官员 Shit. I gotta go deal with the brass.
官员去死吧！ VERNON: Fuck the brass! Let's go, man.
坐好了！ Hang tight.
官员去死吧！ ALL: Fuck the brass!
官员去死吧！ Fuck the brass!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
等等，格鲁伯 One second, Grubes.
是的，总统先生 Yes, Mr. President.
是的，总统，我们吸纳了马克格鲁伯入队 Yes, sir. Well, we got MacGruber on this team right in front of us.
不，我们确定是康斯 No, we're certain it's Cunth.
鼻子怎么样了，阿飞？ How's your nose, rookie?
没什么，只是撞上了一个巨大的生殖道 It's fine. I just banged it into a giant vagina.
(GASPS)
所以说我的脸是生殖道，哈？ So, my face is a vagina, huh?
好，我赌你希望自己的鼻子是个老二 Well, I bet you wish your nose was a dick,
这样就可以用来揍屁股了 so you could use it to fuck butts.
我忘了，上次见你时 I forget. The last time I saw you,
我是不是忘了告诉你，你长得有多丑？ did I remember to tell you how ugly I think you are?
- 没有 - 好吧，我觉得你真的特别丑 No, you didn't. Well, I think you're really ugly.
- 我觉得你在照镜子 - 你还想去吗？ I think you're looking in the mirror. You want to go?
任何时间，任何地方 Any time, any place.
我对你有些好感了 (SCOFFS) I'm starting to like this guy.
开个玩笑，我仍然讨厌你 Just kidding. I still hate you.
- 我也讨厌你 - 你想去吗？ Well, I hate you. You want to go?
嗨，伙计们，伙计…冷静 Hey, guys, guys. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Cool it.
马克格鲁伯 我们明白你组织了一支真正的队伍 So, MacGruber, we understand you've recruited quite a team.
真正的队伍？ 是啊，可以这么说 Quite a team? Yeah, you could say that.
弗兰·克科沃尔、坦克·鲁兹、图特·比墨 特格·菲尔普斯、弗农·弗雷登姆、我 Frank Korver, Tanker Lutz, Tut Beemer, Tug Phelps, Vernon Freedom, moi.
是啊，我想说这真是支极好的队伍 Yeah, I'd say it's a pretty good team.
(CLEARS THROAT)
马克，你确定不改变主意 Look, Mac, are you sure you won't change your mind
让派帕加入队伍？ about letting Piper here join you?
他可以提供极大的有利条件 He'd make a hell of an asset.
喔，我也想啊，不过队伍已经满员了 Oh, I would love to, but the van's pretty full.
你知道，队伍里都是美国英雄 You see, it's filled with American heroes
加起来有着超过一百年的作战经验 with over a hundred years of combined combat experience
以及一整票的兄弟情谊 and a whole lot of brotherhood.
而你，不可能坐进车厢，小朋友 (MOCKINGLY) And no, you can't ride in the trunk, bud!
因为车厢里装满了75磅C-4自制炸药 'Cause the trunk is filled with over 75 pounds of homemade C-4 explosive
那是我亲自装入车厢，用我的双手… that I personally packed in there with my own two...
噢，混蛋！ Oh, fuck!
不，不，不！ No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no!
图特，特格，你们还好吗？ Tut, Tug! You guys okay?
喔，一定有人还活着 Oh, somebody's gotta be in there!
天哪！天哪！ Oh! Oh!
打911！打911！ Call 911! Call 911!
天哪！ (SOBBING) Oh, God! Oh, God!
(SCREAMS)
葬礼很完美 They were nice funerals.
是的，我的悼词如何？ Yeah. What did you think of my eulogies?
十分感人 Very touching.
我可能会缩减少许赞词 I might have cut back on the F-words a little.
他们是多棒的战士 Well, they were fucking great guys.
这也是多么糟糕的一天 And this is a fucking asshole of a day.
我知道 I know.
只是他们孩子都在现场 It's just that their kids were there.
他们都笑场了 They laughed.
由于你的措词不雅 Because of your use of heavy language.
好吧，艹他们 Well, fuck 'em.
我本该在那个车厢里 I should have been in that van.
但是你没有 But you weren't.
是的，没有 No, I wasn't.
没有人比康斯更觉得遗憾 And nobody's gonna regret that more than Cunth.
马克格鲁伯，说到这个 MacGruber, about that.
听着，我想劝你退出此案 Look, I'm taking you off the case.
听着，我想劝你退出此案
抱歉，我一定听错了 I'm sorry, I must have heard wrong.
因为我以为你说 'Cause I thought I just heard you say,
“马克格鲁伯，说到这个 "MacGruber, about that.
听着，我想让你退出此案” "Look, I'm taking you off the case."
我正是此意 That's exactly what I said.
该死，吉姆，你不能这么做，好吗？ Damn it, Jim. You can't do that. Okay?
我是你最大的胜券 I'm the best chance you got.
你在修道院亲口告诉过我 You told me yourself at the monastery.
但游戏已经改变 But the game has changed!
但主角未变 But the players are the same!
马克，我别无选择 Mac, I got no choice.
听着，你已经经受了一场深深的创伤 Look, you've been through a very traumatic experience.
你太沉闷了 You're too close.
你的身后没有了队伍 And without a team behind you,
我就不能胜券在握 I just can't chance it.
抱歉，格鲁伯 I'm sorry, Grubes.
- 长官，那个… - 派帕 Sir, I just... Piper.
上校在哪儿？ Where's the Colonel?
你必须得帮我，他们想把我踢出局 You gotta help me. They want to kick me off the mission.
呃，在这种情况下… Well, under the circumstances...
- 艹，混球 - 好吧！ Fuck you, dickhead! All right.
等等，等等！我不是这个意思！ Wait, wait, wait! I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that.
你想怎么样，马克格鲁伯？ What do you want, MacGruber?
- 加入我的队伍 - 什么？ Join my team. What?
加入我的新队伍，告诉上校我能做得到 Join my new team, and tell the Colonel I can do this.
我不能这么做 I can't do that.
好，别让我求你 Okay, don't make me beg here.
因为我会这么做 'Cause I will do it.
我十分抱歉 I am so sorry.
我确实非常抱歉 (SOBBING) I'm so goddamn sorry.
我快要疯了 Look, I'm freaking out here.
我杀了他们！我把他们全都杀了！ I killed them. I killed them all!
我实在太笨了 I'm so fucking stupid!
不知道自己在做什么，每个人都讨厌我 I don't know what I'm doing and everybody hates me!
好吧，我愿意舔你的家伙 Look, I will suck your dick.
我愿意舔你那恶心的家伙 I will suck your fucking dick.
我愿意这么做，只要你加入我的队伍 I will do it, just join my team.
我愿意舔你的家伙 I'll suck your dick.
你可以来和我胡闹，或者我来 You can fuck me or get fucked by me.
你也可以看我和其它东西胡闹 You can watch me fuck something.
你指出这房间里的任何东西 我都会为了你去和它们胡闹 Just point at something in the room and I'll fuck it for you.
来吧，快告诉我你想让我和什么胡闹？ Come on, just tell me what you want me to fuck!
老天呐，马克格鲁伯 Jesus Christ, MacGruber.
快告诉我你想让我和什么胡闹 Just tell me what you want me to fuck.
我没有润滑剂，你这儿有修正液吗？ Okay, I don't have any lubricant. Do you see any Wite-Out?
或是像清洁剂之类，或是… Or, like, copy toner should work, or...
穿上你的裤子，你在做什么？ Put your pants back on. What are you doing?
我不知道！ I don't know!
我不知道自己在做什么！我太无聊了！ I don't know what I'm doing! I'm so fucked here!
我太无聊了！ I am so fucked.
快点，马克格鲁伯 Come on, MacGruber.
没那么糟糕 It's not so bad.
哦？还不够糟糕？ Oh, it's not?
杀了我妻子的那个人 The man who killed my wife
正控制着核弹头 is in control of a nuclear warhead,
而我却无能为力 and I can't do a goddamn thing about it!
这还不够糟糕？ And it's not so bad?
康斯杀了你的妻子？ Cunth killed your wife?
法律上还没有证实 It was never proven in a court of law,
但这是我亲眼所见 but I saw it with my own eyes.
对不起，我不知道 I'm sorry. I didn't know.
这次任务是一个机会让我 This mission was my chance to do
完成10年前就该解决的事 what I should have done 10 years ago.
我却搞砸了 And I blew it.
马克格鲁伯，我们准备了直升机 MacGruber, we have a chopper waiting to take you
将你送回厄瓜多尔 back to Ecuador.
上校，抱歉让您失望了 Well, Colonel, I'm sorry I let you down.
派帕 Piper.
我加入 I'm in.
中尉？ Lieutenant?
- 我加入，我入队 - 真的吗？ I'm in. I'm on the team. Really?
抱歉，中尉，两个人组成不了一支队伍 Sorry, Lieutenant. Two people don't make a team.
(STAMMERING)
- 三个可以 - 薇基？ But three do. Vicki?
我听说了 I heard about what happened.
认为你可能需要帮助 I thought you could use some help.
你的音乐怎么办？ What about your music?
它可以等 (SINGING) It can wait
迪克森·派帕，薇基·埃尔默 Dixon Piper, Vicki St. Elmo.
嗨 Hi.
上校，看上去我自己又组织了一支新队伍 Well, Colonel, looks like I got myself a new team.
确实，马克格鲁伯 Looks like you do, MacGruber.
确实 Looks like you do.
我们来这里做什么，马克格鲁伯？ What are we doing here, MacGruber?
很简单，薇基 Well, it's simple, Vicki.
这是康斯的地盘 Cunth owns this place,
所以如果我们想要找出密码所在之处 so if we wanna find out where that passcode deal is going down,
我们得翻出一些宝石 we gotta turn over some stones.
靓车，混球！ MAN: Nice car, dickhead!
滚远点！ Fuck you!
(READING THE NUMBER PLATE)
K-F-B-R-3-9-2，K-F-B-R-3-9-2 K-F-B-R-3-9-2. K-F-B-R-3-9-2.
所以我们要看看是否能找到门路 So we're gonna see if we can't make some contacts,
搜集些情报？ gather some intel?
差不多吧，K-F-B-R-3-9-2 Something like that. K-F-B-R-3-9-2.
(ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
需要点什么，兄弟？ Can I help you, bro?
恩，我要X-5 Yeah, I'll have the X-5.
(GROANS)
他什么都不知道，继续 He doesn't know anything. Come on.
关掉音乐！ MACGRUBER: Turn off the music.
关掉音乐！ Turn off the music!
关掉这可恶的音乐！否则我杀了她！ Turn off the fucking music, or I will kill this woman!
(MUSIC STOPS)
我来了，我要杀了她！我要掐断她的脖子！ I'll do it. I'll kill her. I will snap her neck.
别担心，她和我一伙的，很安全 Don't worry. She's with me. She's safe.
嗨 Hi.
但对于你们其他人，就不能相提并论了 But I can't say the same about the rest of you!
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
挖哈！狗娘养的！ Whoa! Son of a bitch!
我很确信，你们中有部分人只是来这里消遣 I'm sure that some of you guys are just here on vay-cay.
但大多数人都是一堆废物 But most of you are big pieces of shit
你们和迪尔特·冯·康斯有着某些联系 who are somehow connected to Dieter Von Cunth.
现在，此人正在从事 一项极其非法和致命的活动 Now, this guy is up to something incredibly illegal and astoundingly deadly.
“据说”，我应该这么说，法律意义上 "Allegedly." I should say that for legal purposes.
不过别担心 But don't worry.
因为我就是为他而来，并且要亲手杀了他 'Cause I am coming for him, and I am going to kill him.
我是谁？你问了吗？ Who am I, you ask?
我的名字叫马克格鲁伯 My name is MacGruber.
我的名字叫马克格鲁伯
记住这个名字！ Remember that name!
字母M-A-C-，字母G-R-U-B-E-R！ Capital M-A-C-capital G - R-U-B-E-R!
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(FEEDBACK SCREECHES)
谁想找到我 Anyone wants to come find me,
明天下午2：00金色大街咖啡屋见 I will be at the Gold Street Cafe tomorrow at 2:00 p.m.
麻烦散播我的话，你们这些该死的废物
Please spread the word, ya frigging turds. 麻烦散播我的话，你们这些该死的废物
哇哦！ Whoo! Whoo!
太棒了！太给力了！ That went great. That was fucking tits.
马克格鲁伯，这什么玩意儿？ MacGruber, what the hell was that?
这叫做“传送讯息” It's called "sending a message."
我想他会响亮而清晰地收到 And I think it will be received loud and clear.
那正是我所担心的 That's what I'm worried about.
为什么？ Why?
因为他以为你死了 Because he thought you were dead.
这是一个极好的优势 That was a huge advantage.
是啊，现在他一定会找上门来 Yeah, and now he's going to be coming for us.
正确，这就是计划的一部分 Exactly. It's all part of the plan.
计划是什么？ What is the plan?
随着进度设定 I kind of make it up as I go.
这么说，这不是一个真正的计划 That's not really a plan, then.
好吧，这不是计划 听着，我不擅长制订计划 Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans.
也不擅于抓住线索 And I'm not good with clues.
我擅长的是海扁和撕破喉头 What I am good with is kicking ass and ripping throats.
康斯要来追击我？好吧，带他来 So Cunth is gonna come after me? Well, bring it on.
然后他会成为我的玩物，受我的指使 'Cause then he'll be on my turf, playing my game.
这场游戏我不计划失败，走吧 And that's not a game I plan on losing. Let's go.
K-F-B-R-3-9-2，K-F-B-R-3-9-2 (SOFTLY) K-F-B-R-3-9-2. K-F-B-R-3-9-2. K-F-B-R-3-9-2.
湿一些，再来点 Wetter. More.
抱歉打断你，康斯博士 Sorry to disturb you, Dr. Cunth.
鞋子 Shoes.
抱歉，先生 Sorry, sir.
怎么了？ What is it?
最晚有个疯子大闹夜店 Some lunatic smashed up the club last night.
他说是来追捕你 He said he was coming after you.
喔，我好害怕 Oh, I'm terrified.
说他叫马克格鲁伯 Said his name was MacGruber.
马克格鲁伯？ MacGruber?
很好，很好 Well, well, well.
这么多年了还活着 Alive after all these years.
马克格鲁伯 (SOFTLY) MacGruber, MacGruber.
带他进来 Bring him in.
我们没抓他，先生 I don't have him, sir.
你们放了他？ You let him go?
他们觉得他没有实质性威胁 They didn't feel he posed any real threat.
实际上，他们认为他精神残障 They actually thought he was mentally handicapped.
没有实质威胁 No real threat.
我来问你个问题 Let me ask you a question.
你还记得吉米卡特总统 （美国第39任总统）的刺杀吗？ Do you remember the assassination of President Jimmy Carter?
没有，先生，没有此事 No, sir, but that never happened.
是的，没有 No, it didn't.
不要低估这个人 Do not underestimate this man.
他会成为一只害群之马 He can be quite a fly in the ointment.
明白，你想让我们做些什么？ Understood. So what would you like us to do?
明白，你想让我们做些什么？
集中力量对付他 Round up a couple of flyswatters.
是的，先生 Yes, sir.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
马克格鲁伯，你的厕所真令人作呕 MacGruber, your toilet is disgusting.
骗到你了，很不错吧，哈？ (CHUCKLES) Gotcha! It's pretty good, huh?
我们能商量商量吗？ Can we talk about this, please?
没什么好商量的 Well, there's nothing to talk about.
大家都知道，耗子喜欢奶酪 Everybody knows that rats like cheese.
而你，薇基，就是这奶酪 And you, Vicki, are the cheese.
你才是他想找的人 But you're the one he wants to come after.
为什么你自己不打扮成这样呢？ Why can't you be dressed like you?
因为… Because...
你是！ You are.
不得不说，对于这次行动 我表示严重的担心 I have to say, I have some serious concerns about this operation.
如果你以为我会让那个魔鬼康斯 If you think that I would let that monster Cunth
动薇基的一根头发 touch one hair on Vicki's head,
那你就大错特错了 then you're sorely mistaken.
谢谢 Thank you.
他会接近她，可能会招致危险 He'll get close to her, possibly dangerously close.
当然，在这场交易中，什么都可能发生 And of course, in this line of business, anything can happen.
但我知道薇基会保护好自己 But I know that Vicki can take care of herself.
你确定这能起作用？ Are you sure this is gonna work?
别担心 Don't worry.
当你转身对着枪口 When you turn around at gunpoint,
他们看出来不是我 and they see that it's not me,
他们会极度抓狂 they are gonna be so furious,
然后不知所措 they're not gonna know what to do.
那个时候我们就能抓住他们了 And that's when we got them.
嗯！ Hmm.
怎么了？ What?
你看上去真漂亮 You just look really pretty.
谢谢 Thank you?
走吧，派帕，走吧，马克格鲁伯 Come on, Piper. Come on, MacGruber.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
好了，薇基，如果我们要引蛇出洞 All right, Vick. If we're gonna draw this bastard out,
他会以为他锁定的是活生生的，马克格鲁伯 he's gotta think he's got eyes on the real live MacGruber.
好吧 Okay.
好的，别担心，我掩护你 MACGRUBER ON RADIO: Okay, don't worry, we got your back.
我们离你只有7条街距离，如果有任何不测… We're only seven blocks away, so if anything goes down...
7条街？ Seven blocks?
你明白了，大约20条街 Okay, you got me. About 20 blocks.
如果有任何不测，我们会立即赶到 But if anything goes down, we'll be right there.
有什么正接近我吗？ Wasn't anything closer?
- 没有 - 大量光斑正接近 Nope. There were tons of spots closer.
当然，好几米呢 Yeah, with meters.
好吧，听着，我觉得不该再和你说话了 Fine. Look, I don't think I should be talking to you anymore,
因为别人都盯着我，以为我在自言自语 because people are gonna be staring at me and thinking that I'm talking to myself.
我不想吸引太多注意 And I don't want to attract attention.
我到了收银台 And I'm at the counter,
准备点单 so just gonna order now.
需要点什么？ Can I help you?
小杯拿铁 (TIMIDLY) Can I have a small latte?
不要不要 No, no, no.
马克格鲁伯永远不会点那个 MacGruber would never order that.
我只要大杯泰舒茶 I'm all about the large Tazo tea.
不好意思，换一下可以吗？ I'm sorry. Sorry. Can I change that?
我能要杯大杯泰舒茶吗？ Can I get a large Tazo tea?
当然，其它呢？ Sure. Anything else?
- 不要 - 不要 No! No!
抱歉 (MOUTHING) Sorry.
能报上你的名字吗？ Can I get your name?
这回自己发挥，薇基 I'll let you take this one, Vick.
呃…马克格鲁伯 Um... (LOUDLY) MacGruber.
干得好 Good job.
收您$3.45 It's gonna be $3.45.
是的，当然，每次都是这么多 Yes, it is. That's what it is every time I get it.
谢谢 (SOFTLY) Thanks.
薇基，别给小费，你在干什么？拿回小费 No, Vicki, no tip. What are you doing? Get that tip back.
我必须… I have to...
不好意思 I'm sorry.
不，说你没有不好意思 No, say you're not sorry.
我没有…没有不好意思 I'm not... I'm not sorry.
我是说，我不好意思 作为我本人，不好意思 (WHISPERING) I mean, I'm sorry. As me, I'm sorry.
哇哦！ Wow.
现在，转移到收银台一端 Okay, now why don't you move down to the end of the counter?
向前，向前…停，停！ Further. Further... Stop! Stop!
马克格鲁伯 MacGruber.
是我 That's me.
现在，最重要的，仔细听好了 Now, here is the most important thing. Listen carefully.
左手举起茶杯到嘴边 With your left hand, lift the cup up to your mouth.
打开嘴唇，倾斜茶杯 Open your lips, then tilt the cup back
直到茶水… until the liquid...
趴下，趴下，趴下 (GUN FIRING) Down, down, down!
(MACGRUBER SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
我们要死了！我们要死了！ MACGRUBER: We're gonna die! We're gonna die!
万能拖把递给我！ Hand me that Incredi-Mop!
我暂时很忙！ I'm a little busy at the moment!
万能拖把递给我！这是命令！ Hand me that Incredi-Mop, and that is an order!
(SCREAMING)
行！ Fine!
不！喔！天呐！不！ (CRYING) No! Oh, my God! No!
(TRUCK ENGINE STARTING)
喔，天哪，不！我的老天爷！ Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh, my God.
- 薇基？ - 天呐！你还活着？ Vicki? Oh, my God! You're alive?
是的，我们还活着 我们现在过去，在后街等我们 Yeah, we're alive. We're coming over there. Meet us out in the alley.
好！ Okay. (SIGHS IN RELIEF)
(CLEARS THROAT)
我的队员受到袭击 My teammates were getting shot.
他们活着，他们成功了 They're alive. They made it.
谢谢 Thank you.
那个万能拖把干得不错 That was nice work with that Incredi-Mop.
是啊，为产品做了很好的广告 Yeah, it would be a good commercial for their product.
我不太相信这也能 I'm not so sure that it would be.
赫斯·班德，逝世年龄——谁在乎 Hoss Bender. Dead at the age of who-the-fuck-cares.
马克格鲁伯！ MacGruber!
薇基 Vicki.
呼！ (CHUCKLING) Ooh. (CAR ALARM BEEPS)
马克格鲁伯，我十分担心你 MacGruber, I was so worried about you.
薇基，我也很担心你 Well, I was really worried about you, too, Vick.
- 真的？ - 是的 Really? Yeah.
我是说，我只有两件马甲 I mean, I only have, like, two of these vests,
其中一件被枪击 so if either of them got shot up,
都是给我当头一棒 it would be a real bummer for me.
我是说，它们并不贵 I mean, they're not expensive.
- 只是真的很难找 - 我明白了 But they're really hard to find. Yeah, I got it.
伙计们，我找到赫斯的车了 Hey, guys! I found Hoss' car.
喔，娘亲！ Oh, mama!
真是一整票的银子 That's a whole lot of wampum.
他在导航仪中标出了 本市每一个脱衣舞俱乐部 He's got every strip club in the city in his GPS.
赫斯·班德，你究竟计划做什么？ Hoss Bender, what the hell are you planning on doing
用这么多钱？ with all this money?
我觉得十分明显 I think it's fairly obvious.
他打算去购买密… He was going to use it to buy the pass...
买密码！当然 Buy the passcodes! Yup.
同时反应过来 Got there at the same time,
可能比你快 maybe even slightly before you.
当然，他打算用这些钱买密码 Yep, he's gonna use it to buy the passcodes.
太诡异了 This is weird.
他今天下午有个约会，所有都说是“STD” He has an appointment this afternoon, and all it says is "STD."
去过 Been there.
STD也是斯坦斯菲尔德铁路场的代码 STD is also code for the old Stansfield rail yard,
离这儿有10英里远 which is about 10 miles from here.
我要把它导入导航仪 I'm just going to pop that into this GPS.
是的，导入 Yeah, pop it in. (GPS BEEPING)
你知道吗？路线已经设定好了 Well, what do you know? It's already routed.
我们去拿密码，你们觉得如何？ What do you say we go get ourselves some passcodes?
很好，但如果赫斯不现身，任务就夭折了 Yeah, but if Hoss doesn't show up, they'll abort the drop.
谁说赫斯不会现身？ Who said Hoss isn't gonna show up?
好了，行动之前，有什么问题吗？ Okay, now, before we do this, any questions?
为什么我要假扮赫斯？ Why do I have to be Hoss?
因为你擅长假扮 Because you're good at what you do.
为什么我要成为你？ And why do I have to be you?
首先，你永远不会成为我，第二… First of all, you will never be me. And second of all...
我忽略你的问题 I forget your question.
好了 Okay.
看上去我们要解决3个守卫 So it looks like we're dealing with three guards here.
守卫扎堆 PIPER: Then it's three on three.
好了，一旦我们除去守卫 Okay, so once we take out the guards,
薇基假扮成赫斯走进去 Vicki will walk in dressed as Hoss,
然后我们只要 and then we'll just,
看情况吧 you know, see what happens.
- 准备好了吗？ - 等等 MACGRUBER: You ready? PIPER: Wait.
等等，我们只要即兴发挥？ Wait, so we're just gonna wing it?
派帕，即兴发挥 Piper, there's a big difference between winging it
和看情况有很大区别 and seeing what happens.
我们来看有什么情况 Now let's see what happens.
- 不，谢了 - 什么？ No, thanks. What?
马克格鲁伯不像霍迈那样游戏 MacGrubie don't play like Homey.
霍迈也不这么玩儿 And Homey don't play like that.
抱歉，我不明白你在说什么 I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying.
我是说，我不需要枪 I'm saying I don't use guns.
所以他们说的都是事实 So it's true what they say about you.
懦夫才需要枪，白痴才需要枪 Guns are for the weak. Guns are for the stupid.
没有冒犯之意 No offense.
看看我们能找到什么？ MACGRUBER: Let's see, what do we got in here?
一块破布、线圈、网球 A piece of cloth, a spool, a tennis ball...
你在干嘛？ What are you doing?
分散一点小小的注意 Making a little distraction.
(MACGRUBER CAWING)
什么东西？ What the hell is that?
什么鬼东西？ What the fuck?
就现在！ (WHISPERS) Now!
上帝 Jesus.
快！快！快！ Now! Now! Now!
太棒了！ Yes!
我必须承认，起了点作用 I gotta admit, that sort of worked.
起了点作用？我杀了3个人呢 Sort of worked? I just killed three bad guys.
那是我枪杀了他们 They're dead because I shot them.
因为他们分散了注意 Because they were distracted.
好的，给你个建议 Okay, now, piece of advice.
当你用这个老芹菜把戏时 When you use the old celery trick,
你想先从粗的一端开始 you're gonna wanna go with the thick end.
直觉上相反 Seems counter-intuitive,
如果从细的一端开始 but if you go thin end first,
它会滑出来，然后你就… it just slides right out and you're...
你在浪费时间 You're wasting your time.
我永远不会这么做 I'm never, ever gonna do that.
永远不要说“永远不”，好了，跟上我 Never ever say, "Never ever." Okay, follow me.
那是康斯坦丁巴赫和泽克普雷谢特 That's Constantine Bach and Zeke Pleshette.
如果我没弄错的话，当然我永远不会错 And if I'm not mistaken, which I never am,
那个提着手提箱的混蛋持有密码 that briefcase-carrying pile of shit has the passcodes.
好了，薇基，该你上场了 All right, Vick, it's go time.
我真的得这么做吗？ Do I really have to do this?
很好，薇基，开始走吧 MACGRUBER ON RADIO: Nice one, Vick. Start walking.
(BREATHING NERVOUSLY)
好的，我正在走 Okay, I'm walking.
目前为止一切都好 Nothing bad has happened yet.
我还活着 I'm still alive.
听着，一切正常 Look, you're gonna be fine.
就和在尼加拉瓜一样 This is just like Nicaragua.
我在尼加拉瓜中枪了 I got shot in Nicaragua.
别但心，这和尼加拉瓜完全不同 Don't worry, this is nothing like Nicaragua.
好吧 (NERVOUSLY) Okay.
好的，我透过窗户看见你了 Okay, I think I see you through the window.
现在继续走 Now just walk on in here, and, I don't know,
祝你好运 fingers crossed.
这太刺激了 (WHISPERING) This is so exciting.
(CHUCKLING)
好的，现在穿过入口，缓缓的 Okay, now head through the entrance, slowly.
别担心 And don't worry.
记住，他们以为你是赫斯·班德 Remember, they think you're Hoss Bender,
所以这会让他们花点时间去… so it's gonna take them a little while to...
那不是赫斯！ That's not Hoss!
(SCREAMING)
我的上帝啊！ Oh, my God!
妈的！ Shit!
(EXCLAIMS)
你干什么？ What are you doing?
自制手榴弹！ Making a homemade grenade!
能借你的枪吗？我要点东西点火 Can I borrow your gun? I need something to stir this with.
不行！我要用！用你的手指！ No! I'm using it! Use your finger!
注意你的口气！ Watch your tone!
(EXCLAIMING)
等等等等！别担心！让我来！ Oh, hold on! Don't worry, I got this one.
可恶，他们拿到了密码 Damn it, they got the passcodes!
伙计们？ Hey, guys?
薇基，你还好么？ Vicki! You all right?
我丢了钱 I lost the money.
还尿了裤子 And I peed my jeans.
抱歉 Sorry.
我尿湿了 I peed them.
恶心 Gross.
洗过了 I washed it.
其实没有 (WHISPERS) I didn't.
我们的收获只有这个手机 Looks like this cell phone's all we got.
我们最好充分利用 Then we better make the most of it.
因为在这个节骨眼上 这是我们和X-5的唯一联系 'Cause at this point, this is our only connection to the X-5.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
糟糕！电话响了！薇基，电话追踪器 Holy shit! It's ringing! Vicki, call tracer.
电话追踪器 Call tracer.
一切就绪，马克格鲁伯 Set to jet, MacGruber.
记住，马克格鲁伯 Now remember, MacGruber,
你得稳住他足够长时间才能定位 you gotta keep him on the line long enough to get a location.
别担心，之前做过 Don't worry. I've done this before.
听着，你这个垃圾，赫斯和泽克都死了 Listen to me, you piece of shit. Hoss and Zeke are dead,
如果你不告诉我你是谁… and if you don't tell me who this is...
他挂了，找到了没？ He hung up. Did you get it?
- 没有 - 哇哦 No. Wow.
可恶，那玩意有用么？ Damn it. Is that thing working?
当然，但是你得稳住他们，至少20秒 Yeah. But you gotta keep them on the phone for at least 20 seconds.
- 有20秒了 - 估计只有3秒钟 That was 20. That was maybe three.
妈的！你说对了，妈的… Shit! You're right. Shit, shit, shit!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
第二次机会！藐视你！ (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) Second chance! In your face!
听着，你这个垃圾，赫斯和泽克… Listen to me, you piece of shit. Hoss and Zeke are...
我的电话，说话！ That's my phone. Talk to me.
马克格鲁伯，我是冯斯 MacGruber, it's Faith.
上校，怎么了？ Colonel! How's it going?
任务进度如何？ What's the mission status?
十分的好，上校 是么，伙计们？ Positively banging, Colonel. Right, guys?
他们太兴奋了，政府那边情况如何？ Oh, they're jazzed. How's everything at the P-Gon?
我们确实有条线索 Well, we do have one lead.
你可能已经知道了 You probably already know about it.
今晚康斯住处要举办一场募捐晚会 Cunth's having a fundraising event at his mansion tonight.
我们当然知道康斯的晚会 We do know about Cunth's party,
必定钟响人到 and we will be there with bells on.
当然不是，马克格鲁伯 Absolutely not, MacGruber.
先生，我不会带钟去的 Sir, I'm not gonna wear bells.
不，马克，你不能去那个活动 No, Mac. You are not to enter that party.
目前，康斯不知道你还活着 Right now, Cunth has no idea you're even alive
这对于我们来说是个极大优势 and that is a huge advantage to us.
是的 Yes.
只需要监视 This is surveillance only.
我要准确知道有谁参加 I want to know exactly who comes through that door.
明白了吗？ Is that clear?
非常明朗 Loud and.
康斯要举办晚会？ So, Cunth is having a party?
是的 Yeah, he is.
猜猜谁被邀请入列？ And guess who just made the guest list.
猜猜谁被邀请入列呀 Guess who just made the guest list.
- 我们？ - 当然 Us? Yes.
如果记录在案 我认为这是一项特别愚蠢的举动 For the record, I think this is a really stupid move.
别担心，我会尽量保持低调 MACGRUBER ON RADIO: Don't worry, I'm gonna keep a real low profile.
- 需要寄存衣服么？ - 不要 May I take your coat? No.
你的汽车音箱？ Your car stereo?
想得美 Nice try.
好吧，我俩对于低调的定义 Okay, I think our definitions of low profile
可能有所不同 might be a little different.
你觉得呢？薇基在哪儿？ You think? Where's Vicki?
她十分钟前就到了，在房子后面 She arrived 10 minutes ago. She's out back.
我很快会找到她 I'll find her in a sec.
首先，我得先解决点分内事 First, I got a little business to attend to.
马克格鲁伯，回来 MacGruber, come in.
上帝！ Jesus Christ.
你去哪儿了 Where have you been?
抱歉，我刚刚在主人厕所里upper decker Sorry, I just took an upper decker in the master bathroom.
Upper decker？ Upper decker?
是啊，在水槽里上大号，而不是厕盆里 Yeah, it's where you take a dump in the water tank and not in the bowl.
你看上去真美 You look great.
谢谢 (CHUCKLES) Thank you.
听着，薇基 Look, Vick,
我需要你四处转转，看能发现什么 I'm going to need you to poke around, see what you can dig up.
我早就看出来了 I'm way ahead of you.
看见那个人没有？ You see that guy over there?
我看见到从康斯办公室走出来 I saw him coming out of Cunth's office.
我觉得他是个打手 I think he's one of his goons.
哪个人？ Which guy?
那个帅气的家伙？ That handsome guy.
那个家伙？你觉得他帅气？ That guy? You think he's handsome?
是啊，他很帅气 Yeah, he's very handsome.
真的？好吧，如果你觉得他很帅 Really? Well, if you think he's so handsome,
怎么不嫁给他？ then why don't you marry him?
讲真的 No, seriously.
如果你觉得他那么帅，嫁给他 If you think he's so handsome, go marry him.
你不这么做，派帕和我要抢先了，好吗？ Leave the case. Piper and I will do it. Okay?
你觉得他有那么帅？ Is he that handsome to you?
你打算为了他辞去工作？ Are you willing to quit your job for him?
你打算为了他辞去工作？
- 不会 - 很好 No. Good.
那个人才是我想让你调查的 Now that's the guy I want you to check out.
他充满了动机 He's teeming with intel.
什么？ What?
跟着他，这是个命令 Follow that guy, and that is an order.
离那个家伙远点 And stay away from that guy,
其实我觉得他很丑 who I actually would describe as ugly.
这是另一个命令 And that is another order.
两个命令 So, two orders.
派帕，找到康斯了吗？ Piper, you got a location on Cunth?
他应该在南侧大厅 He appears to be in the south wing.
正过去 On my way.
那个人 That guy.
我下25000，加50赌注 I will see your 25,000 and raise you 50.
他虚张声势 MACGRUBER: He's bluffing.
我从他的小眼睛中能看出来 I can tell by the look in his beady little eyes.
马克格鲁伯，我一直在等你 MacGruber. We've been expecting you.
你下注，加夫参议员 Bet's to you, Senator Garver.
我全下 I'm all in.
加夫参议员下了 $750000 The Senator's all in for $750,000.
翻 CUNTH: Call.
- 同花顺 - 可恶！ Straight flush. Damn it!
我的助手会协助你还债，参议员，晚安 My associate will assist you with your debt, Senator. Good night.
很抱歉，真的 Sorry about that. Really.
我以为他虚张声势，所以… I thought he was bluffing there, so...
谢谢，马克格鲁伯 Thank you, MacGruber.
你刚刚让我稍稍富裕了一点 You just made me a teeny-weeny bit wealthier than I already am.
当然，我确定你这么做是有意义的 Well, I'm sure you'll find something useful to do with it.
你的同伴真年轻漂亮 Your companion's a very beautiful young woman.
谢谢 Thank you.
希望你们享受彼此 Hope you enjoy being date raped, ma'am.
她是我女儿 This is my daughter.
你好 Hello.
抱歉 MACGRUBER: Sorry.
他杀了我妻子 He killed my wife.
你能给我们点时间吗？ Will you excuse us for a minute, please?
X-5在哪儿？ Where's the X-5?
我不明白你在说什么 I don't know what you're talking about.
弹头到底在哪儿？ Where's the fucking warhead?
我要核弹头做什么？ What would I want with a nuclear warhead?
啊哈，我没说过是核制的哦 (LAUGHS) I never said it was nuclear.
的确，大多数弹头填充物都是气体 That's right, because most warheads are filled with air.
前几天，我碰上了泽克·普雷谢特 You know, I ran into Zeke Pleshette
还有赫斯·班德 and Hoss Bender the other day.
真的？他们还好么？ Really? How were they?
现在看来，已经归西 A lot less dead than they are now.
真的？太糟糕了 Oh, really. That's too bad.
是啊，对你来说太糟糕了，因为他们是 Yeah, it's too bad for you. 'Cause they were a part
你的杀手梦之队成员，不是么？ of your little dream team of thugs, weren't they?
喔，的确，你说对了，过去时，他们曾经是… Oh, that's right. You got me. Past tense. They were...
是啊，的确很悲惨 Yeah, it's really quite a sad story, actually.
你指什么？ What do you mean?
我的确组织过迄今为止最棒的梦之队 I had assembled the greatest dream team of thugs
我的确组织过迄今为止最棒的梦之队
in the history of the world. 我的确组织过迄今为止最棒的梦之队
我把他们丢在了一个地方 I had them all in one room,
我也做过一些自制C-4炸药 and I also had some homemade C-4.
难道你不知道，它爆炸了 And wouldn't you know it, it exploded.
我失去了他们 And I lost them all.
你在侮辱我！你在侮辱我！ You're shitting me. You're shitting me!
当然，我们有共同之处 Well, we have a lot in common
因为从根本上说，我做了同样… because I basically did the same thing...
不，等等，那可没在我身上发生 Oh, no, wait. That didn't happen to me
因为我不是个炸死自己兄弟的傻帽 because I'm not a fucking retard who blows up his own dudes.
我艹，康斯 Fuck you, Cunth.
顺便说一下，我有了个新队伍 And by the way, I have a new team now.
不仅仅有薇基·埃莫尔 Not only do I have Vicki St. Elmo...
可能你听说过 Maybe you've heard of her?
并且我还拥有最具军人头脑的人 But I also have one of the greatest young military minds around.
我是说，这个人货真价实 I mean, this guy's the real deal.
我们会阻止你 And we're gonna stop you.
你的确有着健全的想象力 Well, you certainly have a healthy imagination, MacGruber.
但对于弹头、核武器还是其它东西 我一无所知 But I don't know anything about a warhead, nuclear or otherwise.
你在撒谎，你这个垃圾 You're lying. And you're a piece of shit.
我们说完了 We're all done here.
麻烦告诉马克格鲁伯先生门口在哪儿 Would you show Mr. MacGruber the door?
告诉你怎么让你垮台 Let me tell you how this is gonna go down.
首先我要揍你的下巴 First I'm gonna kick you in the chin,
让你下颚一分为四 breaking your jaw in four places.
擒住你，然后从背上翻倒你 I'm gonna take you and karate flip you over my back,
然后把你的鼻子陷进大脑，立刻杀了你 and then knee your nose into your brain, killing you instantly.
我很想在这里撕碎一只喉咙 I do wanna get a throat rip in here.
我觉得应该是你，小小的尝试 I think that's gonna be you, small fry.
一件事我很确定，在结束的那天，康斯 One thing I do know, at the end of the day, Cunth,
我要撕裂你的老二，塞进你嘴里 I'm gonna rip your dick off and shove it in your mouth.
我要撕裂你的老二，塞进你嘴里
这是没法商量的哦，谁先来？ And that is non-negotiable. Who's first?
妈的！ Shit!
我的背！ My fucking back.
不仅如此，还有个导航仪！ You did not just do that. That is a Blaupunkt!
你欠我个导航仪！ You owe me a Blaupunkt!
薇基在哪儿？ Where's Vicki?
我不敢这么做 I'm not sure I can do this.
薇基，你在哪儿？ MACGRUBER ON RADIO: Vicki, where are you?
不为你自己，为了你的家人 Don't do it for yourself. Do it for your family.
薇基 Vicki!
我的家人？ GARVER: My family?
晚安，参议员 Good night, Senator.
薇基，我被踢出了晚会 Vicki, I just got thrown out of the party.
- 从窗户扔了出来 - 嘘 I got thrown through a window. Shh.
还扔了我的导航仪 Threw my Blaupunkt out, too.
它坏了，我真的很失望 And it's broken, and I'm really fucking bummed about it.
它坏了，我真的很失望
马克格鲁伯，我在观察加夫参议员 和康斯坦丁·巴赫私下交谈 MacGruber, I'm watching Senator Garver talk to Constantine Bach.
好吧，我很高兴你这么开心 Oh, well, I'm glad that you're having so much fun
找出晚会上所有可爱的家伙吧，薇基 checking out all the cute guys at the party, Vicki,
但是我们有核威胁 but there's a nuclear threat going on
我们可以使用一切可行的帮助 and we could use all the help we can get.
你能离开了吗？ So can you please get out here?
那行 (SIGHS) Fine.
首先，晚会很棒 First of all, great party.
避开这些不谈 Let's get that out of the way.
我喜爱那些音乐，舞蹈 I loved the music, I loved the dancing,
寿司，非常出色 the sushi, excellent.
我尤其喜欢 I particularly enjoyed being humiliated
在我的女儿和所有贵宾面前 被马克格鲁伯羞辱 by MacGruber in front of my daughter and all my guests.
问一下，他怎么进来的？ By the way, does anyone know how he got in?
从前门进入，先生 He walked in the front door, sir.
从前门进入 He walked in the front door.
我觉得应该有个更完整的解释 I imagined there'd be a more complicated explanation than that.
抱歉，先生 Sorry, sir.
杰夫，无需抱歉 Jeff, there's no need to apologize.
很感激你的真诚 I appreciate your honesty.
你能往左边移一点么？ Would you move a bit to your left, please?
是 Sir.
很好 Great.
还有谁觉得自己真诚了？ Anyone else feel like being honest?
很好，把他挂到休息室，去干掉马克格鲁伯 Great, hang that in the foyer and go kill MacGruber.
可恶，马克格鲁伯！ Damn it, MacGruber!
我特别提醒过你不要进去 I specifically told you not to go in there.
我让他明确，我要抓他 I got him exactly where I want him.
是么？因为我觉得可以另辟蹊径 Do you? 'Cause I think it's the other way around.
同意意见分歧，吉姆 Agree to disagree, Jim.
听着，我真的很抱歉，好吗？ Look, I'm really sorry, okay?
“抱歉”不能阻止我们远离核弹头的危害 "Sorry" is not going to keep us safe from this goddamn warhead!
马克，你已经成为了个负担 Mac, you've turned into a liability.
我别无选择，只能让你退出任务 And I have no choice but to take you off this mission.
这次，我说真的 And this time, it's for real.
但他现在已经有密码了 But he has the passcodes now!
因为你阻止不了他 Because you couldn't stop him.
吉姆，你不能这么做 Jim, you can't do this.
喔，当然能，而且我做了 Oh, I can and I just did.
我愿意舔你的老二 I will suck your fucking dick.
我愿意让你羞辱我 I will let you fuck me.
很抱歉，马克 (SCOFFS) I'm sorry, Mac.
结束了 It's over.
我停止不了去想参议员加夫 拿着的信封是什么 I can't stop thinking about that envelope that Senator Garver got.
我敢打赌，那里面肯定有线索 I bet there was some kind of a clue in there.
很可笑你还在想着，薇基 It's cute that you're still thinking about that, Vicki.
但，相信我，加夫与此事无关 But, trust me, there's nothing to Garver.
我的内脏有种感觉 I have a feeling in my gut.
好吧，不好意思 Yeah. Sorry.
你不用不好意思 No, you have nothing to be sorry about.
你们俩都做得很出色 Both of you guys have just done a great job.
如果有人要指责，应该是我 If there's anyone to blame here, it's me.
如果能给你点安慰 If it's any consolation,
过去几天和你的相处 being with you the last few days,
我学到了很多 I've learned a lot.
都是关于什么不该做 All of it was what not to do,
但这些是学习过程中的重要一环 but that's an important part of the learning process.
我得用一下洗手间 I'm gonna go use the ladies' room.
大号还是小号？ Number one or number two?
不关你的事 Number none-of-your-business.
就是说小号咯 That means number two.
闭嘴！ Shut up!
你打算何时发出进攻？ So when are you gonna make your move?
你说什么呢？ What are you talking about?
老兄，一英里以外都能看出来 Come on, man. You can see it from a mile away.
闭上你的臭嘴！ (LAUGHS) Shut your butt!
不，说真的，你们俩很登对 No, seriously. You two are perfect for each other.
（西班牙语） (SPEAKING SPANISH)
我是说，别误会我，她是个好女人 I mean, look, don't get me wrong. She's a good woman.
做事忠诚，完美 Loyal, great at what she does,
长相完美，身材极致 good-Iooking, rocking bod,
会穿衣服，有填词天赋 smooth dresser, talented lyricist.
但我很有信心地告诉你 But I can very confidently tell you
薇基和我永远不会成为你想像的那样 that Vicki and I will never ever be like that.
永远不说“永远不” Never ever say, "Never ever."
不，这次我会 No, this time I can.
凯西之后，我自己定下承诺 After Casey, I made a promise to myself
永远不会再有另一个女人 that I would never be with another woman.
一定很艰难 Must have been really hard.
他为什么这么做？ 康斯为什么要杀你的妻子？ Why did he do it? Why did Cunth kill your wife?
到今天，我也不知道 To this day, I have no idea.
其实，我们是大学同学 We actually all went to college together.
信不信由你，我们曾是很好的朋友 Believe it or not, we were very close friends.
毕业后，他们俩订婚了 Then after graduation, he got engaged to her.
他让我做伴郎 He asked me to be his best man
就在那个时候 and right about that time,
我对她有点心动 I started banging her and mowing her box.
其实她是第一个 She was actually the first person
让我觉得舒适的人 I felt comfortable enough around
纵使她吞噬我的一切 to let eat out my butt.
总之，从那之后 Anyway, shortly thereafter,
她为了我离开了他 she left him for me.
其实那时候她已经坏了他的孩子 She was actually carrying his child at the time.
我当然让她打掉了 I asked her to terminate it, obviously,
这样我们可以从新开始 so we could start fresh.
她同意了 And she agreed.
我们如此相爱 We were so in love.
是他夺走了一切 And he took that from me.
真混乱 That's really fucked up.
谢谢 Thanks.
你是个很不错的人 You know, you're a good guy.
有些事情我想道歉 And I need to apologize for something.
- 不，不需要 - 不，需要 No, you don't. No, I do.
我对你太糟糕了 I treated you so badly.
我想只是觉得被你威胁了，信不信由你 I guess I just felt threatened by you, believe it or not.
我以前从未有过 And I'm not used to feeling that way.
我是说 I mean,
我是无敌马克格鲁伯 I'm fucking MacGruber.
事情都过去了 Water under the bridge.
你懂的！ You know it.
你也懂的！ (LAUGHS) You know it!
再来一瓶，格鲁伯？ Another beer, Grubes?
还有摩森… Let's see, we got Molsons...
嘘 Shh.
什么？ What?
我们有伴儿了 We got company.
派帕！不！ (DISTORTED) Piper! No!
(GUNS FIRING)
(SCREAMING)
薇基！躲在他身后 Vicki! Get behind him!
(VICKI SCREAMING)
进来，进来，进来！快进来！ Get in, get in, get in! I'm trying to get in!
坐低点！ Stay low! Stay low!
天呐，他死了？ Oh, my God, is he dead?
是的，他死了！ Yes! Yes, he's dead!
(GASPS)
喔，天呐！我靠！ Oh, fuck! Holy shit!
天呐，我以为我们没救了 Oh, my God. I thought we were goners.
你怎么知道我穿了防弹衣？ How did you know I was wearing a bulletproof vest?
你穿了防弹衣？太牛了 You're wearing a bulletproof vest? Awesome!
什么，你不知道？ What, you didn't know?
不，我当然知道 No, of course I knew.
我 一直都知道 I knew the whole time, yeah.
停车，让我走人 Pull over and let me out.
不行，为什么？ No. Why?
因为你刚刚把我当成了人形盾牌 Because you just used me as a human shield!
- 没有！我没有！ - 你有！ I did not! No, I didn't! Yes, you did!
薇基，我刚刚把他当作人形盾牌了么？ Vicki, did I just use him as a human shield?
是的，有点像 Yeah, you kind of did.
行，你把这毁成了稀巴烂 Okay, you're blowing this out of proportion,
感谢您 and thanks.
停车 Pull over.
- 停车！ - 行！ Pull over! Fine.
你踢我的车？你敢这么做 Did you just kick my car? Oh, no, you don't.
你不敢！太成熟了！ No, you don't! Real mature!
你个混蛋！马克格鲁伯 You suck, MacGruber!
拜，派帕！安全回家！ VICKl: Bye, Piper! Get home safe!
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
你还好吗？ Are you okay?
恩 Yeah.
天呐，你的腿怎么了？ My God, what happened to your leg?
- 没什么 - 马克格鲁伯，你中枪了 It's nothing. MacGruber, you've been shot!
我倒希望是打在头部 I wish it was through the head.
别这么说 Don't say that.
进来，帮你取出子弹 Come inside. Let me get that bullet out of you.
会有一点疼 This is gonna sting a little.
(GASPS)
我要开始移动子弹了 I'm going to remove the bullet now.
你要咬住这个吗？ Do you want to bite down on this?
疼痛我活该 I deserve pain.
(GASPING)
我不知道怎么回事 I don't know what happened back there.
我吓坏了 I just freaked out.
每个人都会犯错 Everybody makes mistakes.
不 No.
我不会 Not me.
- 他并没有死 - 很有可能 He didn't die. But he could have.
你对自己太严厉了 You're being too hard on yourself.
可能上校是对的 Or maybe the Colonel was right.
我失去了一切 Maybe I've lost it. (EXCLAIMS)
你怎么还留在这里 Why do you stick around?
因为我相信你做的 Because I believe in what you're doing.
你确定？ You do?
是的 Yes.
你是个很棒的人 You're an amazing man.
你很帅气，身材完美 You're gorgeous, you have a perfect body.
有品味 A great sense of style.
你聪明又勇敢 You're smart and brave.
是啊 Yeah.
凯西能拥有你很幸运 Casey was a very lucky woman to have a guy like you.
你也是一个特别的女人 Well, you're a very special woman, too.
告诉我，你为何还不安定下来？ Tell me, why didn't you ever settle down?
我只爱过一个人 I've only ever loved one man.
他已经被占据了 He's taken.
喔 Oh.
他结婚了？ He's married?
曾经 He was.
但她仍然在他心底，上帝安抚她的灵魂 But she's still in his heart, God rest her soul.
我只希望他不会责备自己 I just hope he doesn't blame himself
因为婚礼上，她被炸死了 for her getting blown up at their wedding.
可能有一天 Maybe one day,
你能有勇气告诉他你的感觉 you'll get the courage to tell him how you feel.
可能吧 Maybe.
(GASPS)
取出来了 I got it.
马克格鲁伯 MacGruber.
抱歉 Sorry.
我总是容易兴奋 I always get an erection
当一个美丽的女人在我面前用钳子 when a beautiful woman uses a pair of pliers near my balls.
马克格鲁伯 (CHUCKLES) MacGruber.
谢谢 Thank you.
我得给你缝合 I better get you sewn up.
不用 No.
就开放着 Leave it open.
我喜欢有洞 (WHISPERS) I like holes.
我是个处女 I'm a virgin.
不再是 Not for long.
(MACGRUBER MOANING LOUDLY)
天呐，我要让你爆炸 My God, I'm gonna frigging explode inside you.
我要涌出来 I'm going to spill it.
我要填满你 I'm going to fill you up.
- 什么？ - 我要填满你 What? I'm going to fill you up!
- 好了，话由我来说 - 抱歉 Okay. Just let me do the talking. Sorry.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
(MOANING LOUDLY)
(MOANING SLOWS)
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
(PANTING)
你太棒了 You were amazing.
我得走了 I have to go.
怎么了？ What's wrong?
我得走了 I have to go.
噢！ Oh!
妈的！ Shoot!
马克格鲁伯！ MacGruber!
马克格鲁伯！等等！ MacGruber! Wait!
真的很对不起，凯西 I'm so sorry, Casey.
我刚刚和另一个女人上床了 I just made love to another woman.
我禁不住觉得自己背叛了你 I can't help but feel that I've betrayed you.
没什么，马克格鲁伯 CASEY: It's okay, MacGruber.
凯西？ Casey?
没什么 It's okay.
和薇基在一起吧 Be with Vicki.
但我不能这么对你 But I can't do that to you.
你的生活还得继续 You have to move on with your life.
我不知道该说什么 I don't know what to say.
那就什么都不要说 Then don't say anything.
(MACGRUBER MOANING RAPIDLY)
Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Wow. Wow. Wow.
(BOTH MOANING) Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!
我受不了了 I'm going to shoot.
我快受不了了 I'm going to fucking shoot.
我也是 I'm gonna shoot, too.
我们一起吧 Let's shoot together.
好 Okay.
(GRUNTING LOUDLY)
(DOG BARKING)
(DOG HOWLING)
我好了 I shot.
我也是 I did, too.
走吧，马克格鲁伯 Now go, MacGruber.
告诉薇基你对她的感觉 Go tell Vicki how you feel about her.
我会的 I will.
对了，还有，凯西 Oh, and Casey?
谢谢 Thanks.
多好的机会 What are the chances?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
马克格鲁伯在此 Go for Grubes.
- 马克格鲁伯 - 亲爱的 MacGruber. Oh, sweet.
我想要道歉 Look, I just wanted to apologize
对于那天的事情 for how things went down the other day
并告诉你个好消息 and give you the good news.
好消息？ Good news?
我洗耳恭听 I'm all ears.
我们刚刚收到情报 We just received intel
俄国特种部队刚刚找到X-5 that Russian special forces have recovered the X-5.
太好了！ That's great!
拿下康斯的时候，我想在场 I want to be there when you take Cunth down.
马克格鲁伯，听着，我们弄错康斯了 MacGruber, listen. We were wrong about Cunth.
他没有涉嫌在内 He's not involved.
是车臣叛乱 It was Chechen rebels.
吉姆，你错了，这是康斯的本性 Jim, you're wrong about being wrong. This is textbook Cunth.
告诉你，马克，他是清白的 I'm telling you, Mac, he's clean.
是啊，清白的像只猪 Yeah, as clean as a pig dick.
听着，吉姆，他让你分撒注意 Look, Jim, this has gotta be some kind of distraction
这样他就能操作X-5 so he can use the X-5.
我的内脏告诉我，他很快就要行动了 And my gut tells me he's gonna use it soon.
我不知道他要做什么 I don't know what he's gonna do...
噢，我的上帝！ Oh, my God.
吉姆！吉姆！康斯要对美国发动核战争 Jim! Jim! Cunth is gonna nuke the State of the Union!
马克格鲁伯，这个情报非常可靠 MacGruber, this intel comes from a very reliable source.
现在，帮我个忙，休息一阵子 Now, do me a favor. Take some time off.
去海边还是哪儿 Just go to a beach somewhere,
脱掉你的鞋，喝上一点摩森 kick off your boots and drink a few Molsons.
我有个更好的主意 I have a better idea.
我要拯救世界 I'm gonna go save the world.
嗨，搞什么东西？ Hey, what the fuck?
去死，混蛋！ Fuck you, asshole!
我的车！ That's my car!
(SIGHS)
参议员，告诉我你在哪儿得到的情报？ Senator, tell me again where you got this intel.
抱歉，吉姆，我别无选择 I'm sorry, Jim. I had no choice.
薇基 Vicki.
对不起，薇基 I'm so sorry, Vicki.
怎么回事？ What the hell?
薇基？ Vicki?
“送给格鲁伯的歌” "Songs for My Gruber."
喔，薇基 Oh, Vicki.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
薇基，你在哪儿？ Vicki. Where are you?
好啊，马克格鲁伯 Hello, MacGruber.
康斯，你把薇基怎么样了？ Cunth. What did you do with Vicki?
喔，我还没看到她 Oh, I haven't seen her.
不知怎么的，碰巧捡到她的电话 I somehow stumbled on her cell phone.
听着，康斯 Listen to me, Cunth.
我知道你计划什么，你个卑鄙小人 I know what you're planning, you frigging turd.
听着，如果你只关心薇基的手机 Look, if you care at all about Vicki's cell phone,
你就与此无关 you'll stay away.
如果你不 If you don't, I'll smash it
我就把她碎尸万段 into a million, trillion little pieces.
听懂我的话了么？ Do you understand me?
我懂，至少我这么想 I understand. Or at least I think I do.
薇基的手机就是薇基，是么？ Vicki's cell phone is Vicki, right?
再见，马克格鲁伯 Goodbye, MacGruber.
等等！ Dieter, wait!
听着，呃… Look, uh...
我只想说，这太棒了 I just wanted to say that it's been really good
能和你搅在一起 to mix it up with you.
还有 And, you know,
我想你应该能承认 I think that you would admit that we make
我们是好到爆的对手 pretty damn good adversaries.
还有 And, you know,
谢谢你能听，老兄 thanks for being there, dude.
哇哦，我没料到，谢谢，马克格鲁伯 Wow. I didn't expect that. Thanks, MacGruber.
康斯，还有一件事 (STAMMERING) Cunth, one more thing.
我看看，该怎么说呢 Uh... Let's see, how do I put this?
呃… Uh...
(BEEPS)
喔，太好了，我等不及去掐断你的老二 Oh, yeah. I cannot wait to cut off your dick
塞进你嘴里 and shove it in your mouth!
再见，马克格鲁伯 Goodbye, MacGruber.
该去羁押康斯了 Time to go pound some Cunth.
嘣 Boom.
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
感谢你这么做，派帕 Thanks for doing this, Pi.
听着 And, look,
昨晚很抱歉 sorry about last night.
昨晚是新兵演习 It was a real rookie maneuver.
我们有话直说 Let's get something straight.
我这么做不是为了你 I'm not doing this for you.
我这么做是为了那些无辜的人民 I'm doing it for all the innocent people out there
他们性命攸关 whose lives are at stake.
当然，我也是性命攸关 Well, my life is just as at stake.
所以，可以说，你这么做是为了我 So in a way, you are doing it for me.
我深表感激 And I thank you for that.
你知道么？打住 You know what? Just stop.
你所做的只有说空话 That's all you do, is talk.
你说空话，做傻事 You talk and you fuck things up.
我还会撕裂喉头 And I rip throats.
我表示严重怀疑 I seriously doubt it.
喔？是么？那好吧，我们走着瞧 Oh, you do? Well, then, I guess you'll see.
- 会么？ - 当然，你会，他们也会 Will I? Yeah, you will. And so will they.
抱歉打扰你，先生？上校？ Sorry to bother you, sir, but... Colonel?
上校！ Colonel!
(GROANING)
马克格鲁伯是对的 MacGruber was right.
(CHATTERING ON RADIO)
差不多能看见11个，12个 Looks like 11, 12 that I can see.
里面会有更多 But there will be more inside.
我希望屋后面有个挖好的坑 等着所有的尸体 Well, I hope they got a ditch dug out back for all the bodies.
要不然一会儿这里真的会很难闻 Otherwise things are going to get real smelly here later on.
你这么想真恶心 That's a pretty gross way to look at it.
当然，我是个现实主义者 Well, I'm a realist.
我不知道你打算杀死多少人 I don't know how many people you're planning on killing,
但我一定要杀掉那个人… but I am definitely going to kill that guy with the pony...
嘘！ Shh! Shh.
不要，让他走 (WHISPERING) No, just let him pass.
我们不想再吸引更多的注意 We don't want to attract any more attention.
马克格鲁伯？ MacGruber?
(GROANS)
恶心！ Oh!
(LAUGHING)
上帝！ Jesus Christ.
酷吧？你可不希望这样 Pretty cool, right? Bet you weren't expecting that.
是啊，真的很恶心 Yeah, that was really disgusting.
习惯就好，因为这是我的主要方式 Well, get used to it, 'cause that's my main move.
另外，如果他有机会会对我动一样的手脚 Besides, he would've done the exact same thing to me if he had the chance.
他当然不会，他肯定要枪击你，不是… No, he wouldn't have. He would've shot you, not...
可恶 Down, now.
好了，太近了 All right, that was too close.
我们得找到新的入口点 We need a new point of entry.
出发！ Let's move!
薇基！薇基！薇基！ Vicki, Vicki, Vicki.
总是当伴娘，从未做新娘 Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
什么？没听明白 What was that? Didn't quite catch that.
粘住太阳晒不到的地方，迪尔特 Stick it where the sun don't shine, Dieter.
是么？是什么地方？ Oh, yeah? Where might that be?
你屁屁？ Your butt?
你屁屁上？ Up your butthole?
还是把这个塞回去吧，怎么样？ Let's just put this back in, shall we?
我知道马克格鲁伯正在找你 Now, I know MacGruber's after you.
我等不及了，你知道为什么？ And I can't wait. You know why?
因为我要让他看着我 'Cause I'm going to watch him watch me
在他面前杀了你，然后 kill you right in front of him, and then,
我要看着自己杀掉他 I'm going to watch me kill him
就在一面镜子前 in front of a mirror.
然后，我要看下电视 And then, I'm going to watch some TV.
希望有些好节目 I hope there's something good on.
这是美国最为始料未及的事件 This will be one of the most anticipated State of the Unions in history.
据说总统即将步入会议厅 I'm told the President is about to enter the chamber.
喔，很好，我喜欢灾难电影 (LAUGHS) Oh, good. I love disaster movies.
(MUFFLED YELLING)
他进来了，女士们先生们 Here he is, ladies and gentlemen,
美国总统… the President of the United States.
然后我告诉她“不再是”，然后我们那个了 And then I told her, "Not for long," and then we rammed.
你什么？是的，我干了她 You what? Yeah, I humped her.
我不想用那个词 I don't want to use the F-word
因为我不想那样毁掉这份美好 'cause I don't want to diminish its beauty in any way.
不过感觉真的好极了 But it was fucking great.
不过以前我从未有过那种感觉 And I've never felt that way about a bone session before.
- 恩，听起来真的很特别 - 谢谢 Yeah, sounds really special. Thanks.
这好像是主要通风口 This looks like the main duct.
我们要到控制室下面 We should be right underneath the control room.
- 喔，当然 - 准备好了吗？ Oh, yeah. You ready?
该去追捕康斯了 Time to go pound some Cunth.
恩 Yeah.
- 怎么了 - 没什么 What? Nothing.
不会吧，怎么了？ No, what?
我才注意到你一直再说这些台词 It's just I've noticed you say that line all the time.
台词很好 It's a good line.
是么？ Is it?
当然，我懂好的台词，也很擅长 Yeah. I know good lines. I'm really good with them.
我甚至编了击败康斯后的台词 I work them up, and I even have a line for after I defeat Cunth.
- 很好，等不及要听，准备好了 - 在镜子前联系？ Great. Can't wait to hear it. Practiced it in a mirror. It is ready to go.
当然，你很快会听到 Yeah, you'll hear it. (LAUGHS) You'll know.
我会看着你，然后…你就明白了 I'll look at you and... Yeah, you'll know.
我们能走了么？ Should we get going?
- 好 - 好 Okay. Okay.
喔，我先走 Oh, I can go...
你先，你先 You go. You go.
米勒，请重复 Miller, do you copy?
米勒，你在吗？ Miller, are you there?
可恶，米勒 God damn it, Miller.
润喉糖？ Throat lozenges?
你会想要吃掉一整合 You're going to want to take the whole box.
(GROANS)
了不起，又撕裂一个喉咙 Awesome. Got another throat rip in.
不错 Cool.
愿你为了火鸡 Might go for the turkey.
火鸡？ The turkey?
是啊，保龄球中连续三击的术语 Yeah, it's a bowling term for when you get three strikes in a row.
我把它应用到撕裂喉咙来 And I applied that to throat rips.
很恶心 That's sick.
可能 Maybe.
但如果撕裂喉咙能取回弹头 But if ripping throats gets that warhead back,
我会舔更多的… I'll suck as many dicks as it...
尽我所能的撕裂更多喉咙 (STAMMERS) Rip as many throats as I have to.
- 你听到那句话了没？ - 没有 Did you hear that? No.
恩，很好 Okay, good.
了不起！试试这个！ Awesome! Check this out.
嗨，康斯 Hey, Cunth.
猜猜谁在你这愚蠢的集中营里？ (ON PA) Guess who's in your stupid compound.
是我，马克格鲁伯 It's me, MacGruber!
还有我的老兄，当然出自另一个妈妈 And I am with my brother from another mother,
迪克森·派帕中尉 Lieutenant Dixon Piper.
- 你干什么 - 让我来… What are you... Let me do this. What are you...
让我说完 Let me do this!
煽风点火，正在直播，变态 Just lick it up. Back on the air, fuckface!
杀了他 Kill him.
听着，虽然只有我们两个人在这儿 Now, look. Even though there are only two of us here in this,
控制室 call it a control room, we are going to destroy you.
控制室，快！ COMMANDER: Control room! Now!
不管了，来控制室吧 So anyways, come on over to the control room.
我们等着，还会有些小惊喜 We'll be waiting, and we have a little surprise for you.
(ALARM BLARING)
好主意，哈？ Pretty good idea, huh?
哪一个？ 对尸体的侮辱 Which one, the desecration of the corpse
还是水埋伏？ or the water ambush?
你取消这些东西，不过相信我 You know, you make fun of this stuff, but trust me,
这回给我们节省可贵的时间 that is going to buy us some serious time.
(GUN FIRING)
他们在器具室 They're in the machine room!
器具室，快！ Machine room! Go!
(GUNS FIRING IN THE DISTANCE)
(GROANS)
好了，我收集了这个扳手 Okay, I rounded up this wrench,
我也有了这个瓶盖 and I already have this bottle cap.
但是要小心那个棕色的大鸡蛋 But be on the lookout for one large brown egg.
闭上你的臭嘴，马克格鲁伯 Shut the fuck up, MacGruber!
我试着救场！ I am trying to help here!
这里人太多，我要你端上两把枪 There are too many guys. I need you to take two of these guns.
我告诉过你，我不用枪 I told you, I do not use guns.
那好，你最好现在开始 Well, you better start,
因为在你屁股上粘根破芹菜 because sticking a piece of fucking celery up your ass
这会可应付不了！ ain't gonna hack it this time.
- 打死我也不用枪 - 为什么？ I'm not going to use a gun! Why?
因为 Because
我不会用，行了吧？ I don't know how. Okay?
太难以置信了 I don't fucking believe it.
它们吓到我了 They scare me.
你还想救薇基么？ Do you want to save Vicki?
好，好，我该做什么？ Okay, okay. So what do I do?
对准，射击就行 You point it and you shoot it.
好，好，好，开始 Okay, okay. Okay, here goes.
(SCREAMING)
我打中了个桶 Oh! I got a barrel!
- 对准人 - 好方法，好方法，好了 Aim for a person! Oh! Good call, good call. Okay.
喔！我击中那个人了，看见没？ Oh! Oh! Oh! I got that guy! Did you see that?
我想是我击中的，不过你做的很好 I think I actually got him, but you're doing a great job.
- 谢谢 - 我要把那俩个人除掉 Thank you. I'm going to take those two guys out.
不！不！我想来！我想来！ No, no, no! I want to do it! I want to do it!
太了不起了！ This is so awesome!
这比我以前做得那些傻帽小玩意儿棒多了 This is so much better than those stupid fucking gadgets I used to make.
我们要跑去那扇门 We gotta make a run for that door.
我们数到三就开始跑 We're gonna go on the count of three,
不管怎么样，一定要连续开枪 and whatever you do, just keep shooting.
好好好 Okay, okay, okay.
- 准备好了？ - 连续开枪就行？ Ready? We just keep shooting?
- 是的 - 好了 Yeah. Okay!
一 One...
二、三 ...two, three!
(BOTH PANTING)
势均力敌 That was a close one.
- 枪呢？ - 嘘 Where are the guns? Shh. Shh.
我们有伴了 We got company.
(DISTORTED SCREAMING)
好枪托 Nice gun butt.
我们应该结束他 One of us should probably finish him off.
你真的很想撕喉咙，是吧？ You really want that throat rip, don't you?
嗯… Well...
当然，不过我知道你不太喜欢 I mean, yeah, but I know you're not into it, so...
嗨 Hey.
为了火鸡 Go for the turkey.
- 真的？ - 当然 Really? Yeah.
谢谢 Thank you.
不，谢谢你，为了试图救我一命 No, thank you. For trying to save my life.
我欠你的 Well, I owed you one.
忘了吧，格鲁伯 Put her there, Grubes.
(GUARD SCREAMING)
(GOBBLING)
就是这儿 That's it.
薇基在那里 Vicki's in there.
我能感觉得到 I can feel it in my balls.
薇基 Vicki!
嗨！ Hi!
(GUNS COCKING)
游戏结束，先生们 Game's over, gentlemen.
哈！马克格鲁伯！ Ah! MacGruber.
你来得正是时候 You're just in time.
你们饿了吗？锅贴要不？摩森？ You guys hungry? You want a potsticker, a Molson?
我们经营了殷实的好市多公司（美国连锁店） We made a pretty substantial Costco run.
暂时可能提供不了食物，所以我们提供足够 Might not be able to get food for a while, so we got enough
比如说，一个完整的核包围冬季 for, like, an entire nuclear winter.
康斯坦丁，你能听话照看这俩人 Constantine, would you be a lamb and take these two
这样我就能和马克格鲁伯玩点花样？ while I have a little fun with MacGruber, here?
跪下 CONSTANTINE: Kneel.
跪下！ Kneel!
首先，我想感谢你留给我的upper decker First of all, I'd like to thank you for that upper decker you left me.
(MACGRUBER GROANS)
我等不及要杀了你 I can't wait to kill you.
我要妈咪！ (MOCKINGLY) I want my mommy!
啥？马克格鲁伯要撕裂我的喉咙？ What, is MacGruber gonna rip my throat out?
不，我倒希望你的喉头原地不动 No, I want your throat to stay right where it is
这样我就能听到你惊声尖叫 so I can hear you scream bloody murder
当我掐断你的老二塞进你嘴巴时 when I cut off your dick and shove it in your mouth.
就今晚！ Tonight!
听起来真的是一个愉悦星期二 That sounds like a real fun Tuesday,
不过我早有其它计划 but I've already got other plans.
瞧，4分钟之内 Oh! See, in about four minutes,
我要把华盛顿特区变为一堆废墟 I'm going to turn Washington D.C. Into a pile of ash.
然后会有一大堆钱等着我数 And then I've got a big pile of money to count.
你如何牟利?杀掉无数无辜的人民 How do you make money killing millions of innocent people?
真的？我觉得很明显 Really? I thought that was clear.
呃…有人花钱雇我哦 Uh... Someone pays me to do it.
你知道，我不能告诉你是谁，这样太八卦 You see, I can't say who 'cause that would be gossiping.
是黄种人 It's the Chinese.
你让我恶心 MACGRUBER: You make me sick.
你怎么能这么做？ How could you do this?
不，不是我，是你 Oh, I'm not doing it. You are.
- 你疯了 - 你才疯了！ You're mad. You're mad!
被政府激怒、幻想破灭 这才应该对你妻子的死负责 Incensed. Disillusioned by a government you blame for the death of your wife.
你这个放荡、背叛的妻子 Your trampy, backstabbing wife.
你杀了凯西！你杀了凯西！ You killed Casey. You killed Casey!
你的宣告可不这么说 Not according to your manifesto.
什么？你说什么？ What? What are you talking about?
你的宣告 Your manifesto.
这里 In here,
你因凯西的死而指责政府 you blame the government for the death of Casey,
你要让他们付出巨大代价 and you're going to make them pay dearly for it.
康斯，你要相信我，我没写过 Cunth, you gotta believe me, I didn't write that.
我被别人陷害了，不知道是谁 I'm being framed by somebody. I don't know who it is,
你得相信我！这是一个巨大的误会 but you gotta believe me! This has been a big misunderstanding...
噢，上帝！是我，我写的 Oh, my God! It's me. I'm writing it.
陷害你的人是我，是我 I'm the one that's framing you. Me.
够娘养的！不永远逃脱不了干系 You son of a bitch! You'll never get away with this.
天呐，冯斯上校都知道，他会… Oh, God. Colonel Faith knows all about this, and he is going to...
冯斯上校？他死了 (LAUGHS) Colonel Faith? He's dead.
- 什么？ - 你说谎 What? You're lying.
是么？ Am I? (LAUGHS)
整死你，康斯！ Screw you, Cunth!
这是种邀请吗？ Is that an invitation?
恶心，不 Ew! No.
好了，我们来继续你的死亡之旅 Okay, can we get on with your deaths now?
不过有件事我已经等了很久 But first, there's something I've been wanting
不过有件事我已经等了很久
to do for a long time. 不过有件事我已经等了很久
(BLADES CLINK)
有人需要修理么？ Anyone up for a little trim?
不，你要做什么？ (PANTING) No. What are you doing?
我想让你在棺材里好看一些 I just want you to look good in your coffin.
不要这么做，康斯，别这样！ Don't fucking do it, Cunth! Don't do it!
孩子们 Boys.
(GRUNTING)
(INAUDIBLE)
(SCISSOR SNIPPING)
不！ No!
喔！看看我！ Oh, look at me!
我是马克格鲁伯！我要去追捕康斯 I'm MacGruber. Hey, I'm gonna go pound some Cunth.
你要去吗？去死，去死 You wanna go? Fuck you, fuck you.
(DISTORTED CHATTERING)
(GROWLING)
(ROARING)
(SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY)
嗨！ Hey!
什么鬼东西？ What the fuck?
快！薇基！ Now, Vicki!
(EXCLAIMS)
(SHRIEKS)
我以为你不会用枪 I didn't think you used a gun.
我不用 I don't.
你的拳轻的像个小女孩 (GROANS) You punch like a little girl.
恩，你会跑得像个小女孩 Well, you're gonna walk around like a little girl.
等我解除核武装 'Cause after I disarm this nuke,
我要掐断你的老二… I'm gonna cut off your dick and...
塞进我嘴里，你像破了个记录 Shove it in my mouth. You're like a broken record.
我要破的唯一记录 The only record I'm gonna break
就是“塞进你嘴里的数量” is the "amount of your own dick in your mouth" record.
发射确认，三分钟 AUTOMATED VOICE: Launch commencing in three minutes.
三分钟，马克格鲁伯 Three minutes, MacGruber!
行动！ Let's move!
(ALARM BLARING)
马克格鲁伯！ VICKl: MacGruber!
好了，别担心 MACGRUBER: All right. Don't worry, gang.
我以前经历过这种状况 I've been in this situation before
从未出过事 and nothing bad has ever happened.
是么，薇基？ Right, Vicki?
好了，开始之前，我要说点东西 All right. Before we start, there's something I need to say here.
薇基，我已经想过很多 Vicki, I have been doing so much thinking
自从我们昨晚交融过后… since we had intercourse last night...
马克格鲁伯，炸弹 MacGruber, the bomb!
对，对，好了 You're right, you're right. Okay.
派帕，铜线扔给我 Piper, toss me that copper wire.
接住，马克格鲁伯 You got it, MacGruber.
薇基，机器轴承 Vicki, that ball bearing.
拿好了，马克格鲁伯 Here you go, MacGruber.
派帕，钳子 Piper, those pliers.
就来，格鲁伯 Coming at you, Grubes!
快点，马克格鲁伯！ Hurry up, MacGruber!
我们没时间了！ We're running out of time!
薇基，让我成为地球上最幸福的男人 Vicki, make me the happiest man on the face of the Earth.
好好好好！ Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
太好了，我昨晚撞上了凯西的魂 我们一会再说 Yes! I porked Casey's ghost last night. We can talk about that later.
好了，我们要解决核弹头…我靠 All right, we got a nuclear warhead to... Holy shit!
怎么了，马克格鲁伯？ What's wrong, MacGruber?
这是什么破玩意？ What the fuck is this?
弹头，马克格鲁伯，你能拆掉它，是吧？ It's a warhead, MacGruber. You can defuse it, right?
你开什么玩笑，看看这堆垃圾 Are you kidding me? Look at all this crap.
差不多有一百万根导线 There's, like, a million wires in here.
我更像个处理三根线的人 I'm more like a three-wire guy.
瞧着些线，连着哪儿？ Look at this wire. Where does this go?
绿色的线 What does that... There's a green one.
一束绿色的 There's, like, a bunch of green.
发射确认，两分钟 Launch commencing in two minutes.
两分钟，马克格鲁伯 Two minutes, MacGruber!
恩，我听到了，薇基 上帝！唠叨、唠叨、真唠叨 Yeah, I heard it, Vicki! Jesus, nag, nag, nag!
真抱歉，亲爱的，太抱歉了 I'm really sorry, sweetie. I'm so sorry.
马克格鲁伯，你到底行不行？ MacGruber, can you do this or not?
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
不，我拆不了这个导弹 No. I cannot defuse this missile.
好极了，马克格鲁伯 CUNTH: Bravo, MacGruber!
从你身上只能看到失败 I expected no less from a washout like you.
又一次，我赢你输 Once again, I win. You lose.
我还没说完，迪尔特 I didn't finish my sentence, Dieter.
我拆不了你的导弹，但我能这么做 No, I cannot defuse your missile. But I can do this.
发射确认，一分钟 Launch commencing in one minute.
(CRASHING)
(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)
核弹头 No! A nuclear warhead's
没了核心就大不一样了 not quite the same without its thermonuclear core.
可恶！ CUNTH: Damn it! (LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)
没关系！ It doesn't matter.
还有足够的硝酸铵留在弹头 There's still enough ammonium nitrate left in that warhead
足以一并炸毁白宫、议会 to blow up the White House and Congress, combined.
又来了，康斯 Right again, Cunth.
当然，如果没了这个，它很难飞 Of course, it's going to be awfully hard to fly it without
(CLATTERING)
导航系统 The guidance system.
无能！ Weak!
我猜你确实赢了 So I guess you do win.
奖品就是，炸成碎片 And your prize will be getting blown to smithereens
还有多久？马克格鲁伯女士？ in about how long, Mrs. MacGruber?
32秒！ Thirty-two seconds!
我们最好飞奔，还有婚礼要计划呢 Well, we better scoot. We do have a wedding to plan.
快走！ Let's move.
(ALARM BLARING)
发射确认，20秒 Launch commencing in 20 seconds.
再见 Toodle-Ioo.
马克格鲁伯！ MacGruber!
十、九、八、七、六、 Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,
五、四、三、二、一 five, four, three, two, one, zero.
一流马克格鲁伯 Classic MacGruber.
我爱你们俩 I love you both.
他们爱是无限的 PRIEST: Theirs is a love that knows no bounds.
这是疾患后治愈的真爱 A love that heals in times of sickness.
愤怒中宽恕的真爱 A love that forgives in times of anger.
相恋时执着的真爱 A love that loves in times of love.
薇基写得 Vicki wrote that. PIPER: Hmm.
写得很美，亲爱的 It's beautiful, honey.
谢谢 Thank you.
现在，在座各位还有什么理由 不让这两个灵魂 Now, is there anyone here with just cause why these two souls
结为夫妻？ should not be joined in holy matrimony?
你吓住我了 (MOUTHING) You scared me!
拜！ Bye.
我们开始 Then let's get to it.
薇基·格劳瑞亚·埃尔默，你愿意 Do you, Vicki Gloria St. Elmo,
马克格鲁伯成为你的合法丈夫么？ take MacGruber to be your lawfully wedded husband?
我愿意 (SINGING) I do
马克格鲁伯，你愿意 And do you, MacGruber,
取薇基·格劳瑞亚·埃尔默 成为你的合法妻子吗？ take Vicki Gloria St. Elmo to be your lawfully wedded wife?
(CHUCKLES MALICIOUSLY)
不！ No!
(SCREAMING)
(GUESTS SCREAMING)
- 你还好吗？ - 恩，还好 Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay.
- 还好吧？ - 恩 Are you all right? VICKl: I'm okay.
薇基，别去 No, Vicki, don't.
(GUESTS EXCLAIMING)
(ALL GROAN)
我得承认 I gotta admit,
很高兴你还活着 I'm kind of glad you're still alive.
因为有些事还想对你说 我已经等了很久很久 'Cause there's something I've been wanting to say to you for a long, long time.
嗨，康斯，舔你自己的老二 Hey, Cunth, suck your own dick.
来取吧！ Come and get it.
什么玩意？去哪儿了？ What the fuck? Where is it?
(LAUGHING)
爆炸时炸碎了 It was blown up in the explosion.
你侮辱我？ You are shitting me!
我们结束了吗？ Are we done here?
太可恶了！ God damn it!
不，我们还没完 Are we... No, we're not done here!
(SCREAMING)
派帕！ Piper!
(GROANING)
去死吧，伙计！ Fuck you, dude!
(ALL GASP)
我愿意！ I do.
《百战天虫》 (MAN EXCLAIMING TITLE)
(PLAYING SULTRY TUNE)
(TUNE CONTINUES PLAYING)